ROBERT MUELLER: THE FILES ARE MOUNTING UP!

Satire from The Borowitz Report–from The New Yorker

Mueller Rents Giant Warehouse to Store Evidence Against Trump

Photograph by SWNS / Alamy

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Robert Mueller is renting a massive warehouse facility in suburban Virginia to accommodate the approximately forty cubic tons of evidence against Donald Trump that the independent counsel’s investigation is generating on a daily basis.

Employing over two thousand workers in a warehouse the size of seven football fields, the Mueller investigation has become the fastest-growing sector of the U.S. economy, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Working twelve-hour shifts, the members of Mueller’s evidence-storage team rarely leave the warehouse, where the punishing task of filing mountains of evidence against Trump proceeds around the clock.

“It’s like a city all its own,” one warehouse worker said. “There are people working in the Michael Flynn section who’ve never met the people working in the Paul Manafort section.”

While the warehouse workers are well paid, there have been issues with burnout. “The team in charge of filing all of Donald Trump, Jr.,’s different explanations of his meeting with the Russians had to take time off,” one worker said.

As gargantuan as the storage space appears to be, an aide to Mueller said that the investigation would soon be seeking a second, even larger warehouse. “We need a place to put all the Jared stuff,” the aide said.

  • Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.

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  1. #1 by Susan Iseman on September 19, 2017 - 10:38 AM

    The New Amazon? Love this!

    • #2 by cheekos on September 19, 2017 - 10:57 AM

      Susan, over the past several hundred years, humans were able to work side-by-side with New Technologies. Nowadays, the robots are learning our jobs too, and Sayonara. Not just warehousemen and other low-end jobs, but some medical and legal functions, even writing for the media. YES!

      Just finishing Rise of the Robots, by Martin Ford. Anyone who invests, works for a living, or has children or grandchildren who might enter the workforce, at some time–REALLY SHOULD READ THIS BOOK!

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